January 13th, 2007 Julie Onofrio
I know that is a little harsh calling the massage profession codepedendent. I really think it applies to any and all helping professions and am seeing now how many people have issues around co-dependency.
I also hate the word codependency and wish there were another word for it but it pretty much does describe the phenomenon. The act of labeling the profession as such is also part of the problem. Rather than focusing on what kind of relationships we want to have, the focus is turned to the dysfunction which further promotes the dysfunction.
Codependency is defined by various psychologists and authors:
Robert Burney author of “Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls”
“Codependence is about having a dysfunctional relationship with self! With our own bodies, minds, emotions, and spirits. With our own gender and sexuality. With being human. Because we have dysfunctional relationships internally, we have dysfunctional relationships externally.”
Melodie Beaty author of “Codependent No More”
“A codependent is someone who has let another persons behavior affect him or her and is obsessed with controlling that other person’s behavior”
Ann Wilson Schaef in her book “Beyond Therapy, Beyond Science” referrs to this definition proposed by Cermak.
Timmon Cermak in the Journal of Psychoactive Drugs (1986) argues that codependence can be defined within the DSM-m criteria for mixed personality disorder. He proposes five diagnostic criteria in the style of DSM-m. According to Cermak the essential features of codependency include (1) consensual investment of self-esteem in the ability to influence/control feelings and behavior in self and others in the face of obvious adverse consequences; (2) assumption of responsibility for meeting other’s needs to the exclusion of acknowledging one’s own needs; (3) anxiety and boundary distortions in situations of intimacy and separation; (4) enmeshment in relationships with personality disordered, drug dependent and impulse disordered individuals; and (5) exhibits (in any combinations of three or more) constriction or emotions with or without dramatic outbursts, depression, hypervigilance, compulsions, anxiety, excessive reliance on denial, substance abuse, recurrent physical or sexual abuse, stress-related medical illness, and/or a primary relationship with an active substance abuser for at least two years without seeking outside support.
How does this apply to the massage profession?
In general, I often see many massage therapists (including myself) who are wanting to “caretake” others at the expense of themselves. It shows up in many ways, shapes and forms. Everything from giving away massages for free or ridiculously low rates, going over the time alloted for a session, giving advice, working on people who aren’t very nurturing to work on just for the money, not wanting to market your business, giving up easily, and the list goes on.
It is also interesting how the profession itself acts to re-inforce the codependent relationship. Ann Wilson Schaef describes how it is happening in the psychology profession:
“We have been trained to believe that we should be able to use our training and knowledge to control and manipulate clients in order to get them to do, see or feel, with what our greater knowledge and understanding is good for them.
We are taught that it was alright to use techniques, exercises or wise leads to pull out of people information that we knew and believed would be helpful for them and that, as professionals, we should know how and when to do that. Only recently, I fully understand the violence of this behavior: it truly rapes their souls, their beings and their process.
We were taught that dependency upon us was inevitable and helpful and that it was our responsibility to control the level. Of course, we were also going to be financially (and I believe, in most cases emotionally) dependent upon the client.
Finally we were supposed to have the knowledge to interpret the other person based, of course upon our knowledge and theory, which gave us an accepted position of “rightness. We were to set ourselves up as a power base, if for no other reason than we know more about the clients than they did about us. The very structure and makeup of the profession has perpetuated the disease process.”
While I know she is talking about the psychology profession, I believe the same could be said about the massage profession.
How I like to look at it is that we are all dysfunctional in some way or form. We are human and it is part of being human.
Codependence isn’t a thing that should be made to go away, but rather should be embraced and learned from. It is a great tool on the path to becoming aware and becoming our true selves. It is a process of becoming aware of just what we are thinking about unconsciously that brings us such pain and suffering that can lead us to peace and happiness.
We have the power to choose how we see things and the meaning we give to anything and everything that we experience.
We don’t have to be the codependent profession. It can be another way. But first we have to be able to acknowledge the codependent side of us just like we acknowledge the other parts of us.
See also the Wounded Healer
The Call to Help
Posted in News, Peer Supervision, Recommended Reading, The Code of the Caretaker | No Comments »
January 12th, 2007 Julie Onofrio
My Pathology Section at www.thebodyworker.com is one of the most popular sections. I get mostly non-massage therapists searching for help for their ailments. It is a great opportunity to provide real information about what massage can do for such diseases and conditions.
I am updating the Pathology Section to include the many online articles as reference for various diseases and conditions. Ruth Werner in her book “A massage Therapists guide to Pathology” says “Pathology is the study of the nature and causes of diseases as related to the structure and function of the human body.”
There is much controversy over many diseases and conditions and should massage be applied to people with them. 17 years ago when I first started, cancer was a major contraindication. We were told just stay away from anyone with cancer. I always thought it that massage could do more for someone with cancer because of the stress related to that disease. That has greatly changed through the years with a whole branch of massage that now focuses on cancer mainly because of the work of a few therapists who challenged the status quo and stood up and actually researched and studied cancer and massage.
There is also much controversy over actually having a diagnosis and how it places people in a category or how it is really a subjective thing in many cases - does someone have cancer or do they just have cells that can’t repair themselves due to toxins, poor diet, poor air quality or whatever. Diagnosing conditions can have a negative affect on people, but it also can help focus the search for the actual cause of each condition or disease and help heal.
Personally, I don’t think any condition that is contraindicated should be studied more to determine if it is really true.
I hope to have a pdf file made after I have completed it all so you can purchase and download the whole thing without the advertisements.
If you have any great references or resources let me know so I can add them to the website. It is a great educational opportunity for our profession.
Posted in News | 2 Comments »
January 11th, 2007 Julie Onofrio
A Massage chair can be a tool for building your table massage practice or you can use it to build a full chair massage or seated massage business.
David Palmer was one of the first to create the massage chair itself but Cary Cruea of Seattle was one of the first to really make something of chair massage as far as I know. Her Massage Bar concept is now spreading quickly to airports and others are copying her concept.
Cary Cruea’s Multi Million Dollar massage Bar
Massage Magazine Massage Bar Evolves
Chair Massage is a big draw for people because it is easy and convenient, less time consuming and cheaper than regular massages. It allows people a safe environment to try out massage when they may not want to sign up for a full table massage for whatever reasons.
I have used chair massage at various times to promote my table massage business using it for open houses. I have gathered some pointers for using a chair to build your practice at
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The goal of this event is to sell gift certificates and get new clients. Set an intention of signing up xx # of new clients or a general intention of converting every recipient into a client.
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Plan a month ahead of time to work out all the details and maximize the potential of the event. Each person that comes to the event is a potential client!
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Provide snacks, drinks appropriate for each holiday.
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Send out flyers announcing event 2 weeks before. Send to current clients, neighbors, businesses of interest.
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Post flyers a week before the event.
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Call clients or surrounding businesses to personally invite them.
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Provide free 15 minute chair massage.
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Have client intake form (word .doc) to collect personal
information (to be used later for following up)
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Practice client interactions- How do you talk about what you do? Ask people about themselves - What do they do? What stress do they have? Have they had massages before? Get them to talk about themselves. People are just dying to be asked.
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Have a flyer, business cards or newsletter available for people to take with them. Have a sign up list for your newsletter.
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Give tours of the office.
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Have gift certificates available for sale. You can also just give them gift certificates and devise a system for them to call in or go online and pay to activate the gift certificate.
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Have your appointment book right there. Ask them when they want to come in? Book their appointment right there. Get their phone number so you can call to confirm the appointment the day before.
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Building a practice using chair massage events will take time. Everyone is a potential client. If you don’t get them to book after the first time seeing them, don’t give up. Offering the event regularly is often necessary. Just because the first one didn’t bring you as many clients as you thought, doesn’t mean that it wasn’t effective. One of the attributes of a successful marketing program is to learn with each event or contact and improve each time.
Could it be a big business for you?
From what I have seen, working in these chair massge places the pay is low and the work can be grueling in a busy location. I wish there was a way that massage therapists could be paid more…maybe they are. If you are someone who is working for a chair massage place or are a chair massage business owner, please let me know differently.
Resources on Chair Massage:
Marketing Chair Massage
NNegotiating An Agreement
by David Palmer
A Brief History of Chair Massage
By David Palmer
Massage for the Masses :David Palmer, Chair Massage, and Zubio By Karrie Osborn Massage and Bodywork Magazine
Business Side By Sandra Gill Massage Nerd Chair Massage Resources and Information
Posted in Building Your Practice, Massage Marketing | No Comments »
January 10th, 2007 Julie Onofrio
The word “engage” has been coming up a lot for me everyday
and I somehow cannot resist writing about it.
When I first was presented with the word engaged it was
in reference to someone who was “engaged” to be married.
When I thought more about the word, I became fascinated by
the meaning.
What does it mean to engage?
How can we get engaged more to our clients?
How can we be more present for our ourselves?
What does it mean to be present and engaged?
When we are engaged we are present and open for whatever
is happening in that exact moment. Engagement is about listening
and learning from whatever we are present with. Engagement
is one of the keys to healing.
When we are present with our clients, we are able to listen
to their stories without automatically thinking things like:
“This is the typical patterns of whiplash. I know exactly what
I will work on”
“I can just see exactly what the problem is- I have seen this before”
” I know how to fix this”
I once had an instructor who often said “If you think you know
where the problem is, you are probably wrong”.
I totally agree. If I am thinking, I am not present.
A client with carpal tunnel syndrome can go to 10 different
massage therapists who will tell them 10 different things about
what they need to do to get better and will focus on 10 different
things in their massage session. What is right? All of them probably
are. Which one will work the best? They all have some
benefits. The problems that our clients present us with do not
have one single correct solution. The solution comes from
empowering the client to find the solution themselves.
Finding solutions with clients is addressed in a wonderful book
that I highly recommend called “Interviewing for Solutions” by
Peter DeJong and Insso Kim Beg.
The solutions come from learning how to listen and ask open ended
questions to empower clients. When we work according to the medical
model which requires a diagnosis and a plan of treatment, we are ignoring the components of the therapeutic relationship, one of which is engagement or empowering clients. When we are able to “meet” our clients where they are, with whatever pathology they bring with them, we are able to engage them in their healing process. Engaging clients to empower them means helping people discover the considerable power within themselves.
Fixing on the other hand implies that something is broken.
This is my favorite resource on fixing - what it means, how it is a control issue, what we can do to overcome our need to fix.
http://www.coping.org/control/fixing.htm
http://www.coping.org/control/caretaker.htm
We attempt to “fix” our clients when we give them advice on what
to do. We “fix” clients when we believe that only we have the correct
answer and are of course “right”. “Interviewing for Solutions” suggest
that we start with a “posture of not knowing” and rely on the clients
perceptions and explanations.
Even though we may have more knowledge of anatomy and pathology,
it does not necessarily make us right. The clients are the only ones who
know what is right for them.
Rescuing involves doing something for someone that they should be
doing themselves. Our need to rescue often comes from our own
unmet needs of being rescued ourselves. We act in the way we want
to be treated, thinking that it will get us what we need. We take care of
others so we won’t have to take care of ourselves. It is really just part
of what I am calling “The code of the caretaker”.
When we are able to show empathy and compassion, we are able to
empower the client to find out what they themselves need to heal.
Empathy and compassion are ways of sharing the pain with them.
(It is not taking on the pain. I believe we take on others pain when
we haven’t addressed our own pain or taken care of ourselves so
that we can meet that person who has pain. That will be another article.)
I have been “hyper” aware of this helping issue since I have been working
on my own issues with helping and fixing. I know that when I sense that
I am being “fixed” I become resistant and defensive. When that happens
with clients, the possibilities for healing become limited.
The answer to helping and fixing is engaging with clients -meeting clients
where they are, setting aside our thoughts, agendas and preconceived
notions to create a container for healing to begin.
Engagement also happens in the process of supervision. Working
with a supervisor or peer supervision group will teach us how
to become more engaged in every moment of our lives. We can learn more
about how we engage or disengage with our clients when we are able to see
ourselves and our stories more easily. In supervision, we are able to learn about our stories and how our thoughts have created our realities.
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Posted in Massage Schools/Students, Peer Supervision, Starting Your Practice, The Code of the Caretaker | No Comments »
January 8th, 2007 Julie Onofrio
A few years ago I read a book by Harv Eker called “The Millionaire Mind - Mastering the Innere Game of Wealth”.
It was one of the first books that really put the essence of wealth together and connected it to what is going on inside of us as well as knowing about the physical aspects of wealth like investing and saving.
In the book he talks about your money blueprint. He says:
“How well your business does is a result of your money blueprint. You will always validate your blueprint.”
He goes one to say:
“How can you tell what your money blueprint is set for? One of the obvious ways is to look at your results.”
Your money blueprint is created at an early age from the way you were raised. It is created by all of the things you were taught that you just accepted as truth because you didn’t really have any other choice at such an early age. Those truths become programmed into your subconscious. It is like the act of driving a car - you don’t have to really think about it - it is subconsious.
Our thoughts are programmed and create our feelings. Our feelings create our actions and are actions create results.
Discovering and changing our money blueprints is a process. I have been working on it in various ways and becoming aware of what the blueprint is for starters. You can’t really change anything until you are aware of it and the funny thing is how can you be aware of something that you are unconscious of -because it is unconscious. It’s a little mind twister if you ask me.
But one of the ways I have been learning about it is I have been following a system of writing down my weekly priorities and intentions and tracking the results. I also have been participating in peer supervision groups which really helps in the area of creating awareness because it really helps me to see myself differently through the mirroring from the group. I also have been reading everything I can on the topic and participating in “The Science of Getting Rich- Practical Geniuses class which is a 30 day program of short little but life changing exercises to help you become more aware and start making the changes you desire. They do have the Ebook called the “Science of Getting Rich” written in 1920 or so by a guy named Wallace Wattles. He was on to this long before Harv Eker or anyone else for that matter. While the ebook is insightful, it is much more powerful to participate in the exercises and group discussion.
As a massage therpist, one of the things I hear so often in the profession is that doing massage is not about the money. Harv Eker says that we are trying to justify the situation of not making any money by saying things like that. It puts people in the role of victim - which is another way of just needing attention. When you are a victim, he says you end up being a people pleaser which is a common trait of massage therapists. (OK I am generalizing here)
The good news is that there is a way out of all of this that requires stepping up and taking responsibility for your thoughts and actions. It is a process of changing your thoughts and programming and building a different blueprint.
The book goes on to list various ways we sabatoge ourselves and helps create a new awareness so we can begin to think and act differently. The Science of Getting Rich calls it “Acting in a certain way”.
When our inner world becomes more congruent with our outer world, we have the chance to reach our full potential and participate fully in the present moment and create the life we desire.
Posted in Recommended Reading, The Code of the Caretaker, The Wealthy Massage Therapist | No Comments »
