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The wealthy massage therapists understands the importance of boundaries and the difference between caretaking and caregiving.

One of the major themes of my personal work and writing on my websites is the idea that helping others has a deep shadow side to it- which means there is more to it than just the act of helping. Helping is often filled with hidden agendas all of which are actions that serve to meet our needs for self validation and nurturing. I read a few paragraphs in a book this morning that really laid it out clearly.

From the book “Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls by Robert Burney”

We are taught to be caretakers instead of care-givers. That is, to take our self-definition – our ego strength- from what we do for others, rather than giving to others out of our Self as an expression of Love.
This is a matter of focus: Codependence is a disease of reversed focus. If you are taking your self-worth from what you are doing for others, you are going to end up being the victim  because they are not going to do what you want them to do in return. (After all I’ve done for you!)
If you are giving as an expression of self-worth then you do not need to get anything in return – and that is when you really get the gifts.

The only way to become a Caregiver rather than Caretaker is to set boundaries for yourself that support you and nurture you. Boundaries are what define you in your relationship with your client. In order to set clear boundaries, you need to know who you really are and what your beliefs and opinions are.

Helping or Caretaking is a defense mechanism that was developed so that you could feel good about yourself under extraneous circumstances. When you set clear boundaries to start taking care of yourself you are able to start letting down your defenses. Taking care of yourself in every way- financially, emotionally, mentally and spiritually – will allow you to feel self -fulfilled and not needing to get validation from others because you will be able to provide your own validation and self worth.

Your people pleasing behaviors (such as working for low wages thinking that is what you need to do to get and keep a client or just letting people slide when they cancel at the last minute) are really showing you your beliefs about yourself and are usually opening an early childhood wound that is covered up by years of suppressing the hurt feelings.

The more you can begin to realize that you do need money to take care of yourself and family and stop sacrificing your needs for that of your client, the more your practice will thrive. It is what Suze Orman talks about in her 8 Qualities of a Wealthy Woman in her book “Women and Money”. She says that when you are able to live by the 8 Qualities, you will have all that you need without much effort which also is really what the law of attraction is all about.

For more on Caretakers/Caregivers:

Psychology for Massage Therapists

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