July 2nd, 2007 Julie Onofrio
Empathy is one of the driving forces in a therapeutic relationship that happens between a massage therapist and their client.
Empathy is the ability to understand others in a deeper sense not only in acknowledging their pain or discomfort but actually taking it a step farther and sharing that pain with others. This requires that you have a deep understanding of yourself and be able to process the feelings that arise in you when you are dealing with someone who is in pain and not necessarily act in the way that the feeling pushes you to act.
Being able to stay present with the other person is one part of empathy. Our ability to provide empathy for another begins with being able to be empathetic with ourselves. If we don’t receive the empathy we need at an early age from others we begin to get an distorted view of who we are. If you laugh and no one laughs with you or if you cry and people tell you to get over it or grow up, you learn to stop expressing those feelings. As children we have no way of knowing what that it is ok to express those feelings. We start behaving in ways to please others rather than expressing our truth - our true self. When our feelings have been discounted at an early age, we begin don’t learn how to soothe ourselves and nurture ourselves. We don’t learn to vaulue ourselves.
Arthur Ciaramicoli and Katherine Ketchan in their book “The Power of Empathy” says
“We mirror back the neglect and inattention we were given and our focus remains on our own unmet needs and desires.”
The thing is that we often bring those unmet needs to the massage table and use the client to get them met in one way or another. Massage therapists who talk about their problems or do massage because they need to feel needed and validated as a person risk develping co-dependent relationships with a client that do not foster healing unless you can get to the other side of the codependence. Always wanting to give advice and be the expert takes away from the client’s ability to heal themselves. Fixing others takes the power away from the client.
The thing with empathy is that the only way we can get it from someone else is to first be empathetic towards others so that they can get the nurturing they need and give it back to you. This often requires going through a process of acknowledging the fact that you have been deeply hurt by not getting your needs met and learning to grieve the loss. It requires that you learn to provide empathy to yourself so that you can hold on to yourself more while others come to you in a state of neediness. It requires becoming more self aware and being able to see how you project these unmet needs on others.
It is a process of developing self esteem and learning to care for yourself in a deeper way than you ever thought. The book “The Power of Empathy” has some suggestions for practicing empathy. It requires that you learn honesty, humility, acceptance and gratitude among other things.
Joining or starting your own peer supervision group is a great way to learn more about giving empathy and receiving empathy.
Posted in Ethics, Peer Supervision, Recommended Reading, The Code of the Caretaker | No Comments »
June 30th, 2007 Julie Onofrio
The wealthy massage therapists understands the importance of boundaries and the difference between caretaking and caregiving.
One of the major themes of my personal work and writing on my websites is the idea that helping others has a deep shadow side to it- which means there is more to it than just the act of helping. Helping is often filled with hidden agendas all of which are actions that serve to meet our needs for self validation and nurturing. I read a few paragraphs in a book this morning that really laid it out clearly.
From the book “Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls by Robert Burney”
We are taught to be caretakers instead of care-givers. That is, to take our self-definition - our ego strength- from what we do for others, rather than giving to others out of our Self as an expression of Love.
This is a matter of focus: Codependence is a disease of reversed focus. If you are taking your self-worth from what you are doing for others, you are going to end up being the victim because they are not going to do what you want them to do in return. (After all I’ve done for you!)
If you are giving as an expression of self-worth then you do not need to get anything in return - and that is when you really get the gifts.
The only way to become a Caregiver rather than Caretaker is to set boundaries for yourself that support you and nurture you. Boundaries are what define you in your relationship with your client. In order to set clear boundaries, you need to know who you really are and what your beliefs and opinions are.
Helping or Caretaking is a defense mechanism that was developed so that you could feel good about yourself under extraneous circumstances. When you set clear boundaries to start taking care of yourself you are able to start letting down your defenses. Taking care of yourself in every way- financially, emotionally, mentally and spiritually - will allow you to feel self -fulfilled and not needing to get validation from others because you will be able to provide your own validation and self worth.
Your people pleasing behaviors (such as working for low wages thinking that is what you need to do to get and keep a client or just letting people slide when they cancel at the last minute) are really showing you your beliefs about yourself and are usually opening an early childhood wound that is covered up by years of suppressing the hurt feelings.
The more you can begin to realize that you do need money to take care of yourself and family and stop sacrificing your needs for that of your client, the more your practice will thrive. It is what Suze Orman talks about in her 8 Qualities of a Wealthy Woman in her book “Women and Money”. She says that when you are able to live by the 8 Qualities, you will have all that you need without much effort which also is really what the law of attraction is all about.
For more on Caretakers/Caregivers:
Psychology for Massage Therapists
Posted in Changing Your Beliefs, Ethics, Money issues, Recommended Reading, The Wealthy Massage Therapist | 2 Comments »
June 25th, 2007 Julie Onofrio
With the upcoming 4th of July Holiday celebrating Independence in the US, it has got me to thinking about what independence really is. While the holiday refers to the incidences that led up to the US declaring it’s independence from Britain. It wasn’t just one day and everything was peachy-keen. (Does anyone say that anymore?) I found this very short history of a very long story of independence.
Independence was a process.
Your own personal independence is a process too. When you really think about it we aren’t independent. We rely on jobs for income, we have to be places and do things and have little time for family, friends and ourselves.
Well you can find independence - there is a way - and it is called Site Build IT! - the all in one webhosting and business development system that takes you every step of the way in building and creating your own personal independence.
For so many people - when you stop working your income stops. So you continue to work and continue staying stuck in jobs that you hate.
Independence means being able to do what you want to do when you want to do it. If you are a massage therapist you were most likely drawn to the massage profession because of this exact reason - thinking that you could work when you wanted and not be tied down but probably didn’t realize that you would be working harder than you ever have in your life trying to find clients to keep your schedule full or find a job that pays you more than $15 an hour.
Site Build It! is all about independence and creating residual income - income that doesn’t stop when you stop working. It is about spending your time doing something you love -that’s independence. When you follow your path and make the hard choices that seem unbearably overwhelming what often happens is the unbelievable.
Like I used to complain about insurance companies and how they don’t pay us what we charge here in WA and how I think that the rest of the people who are charging more than their cash clients are doing harm to the profession. I struggled with giving up the income from my insurance clients and was not sure how I would make up the difference - but my heart could not take it any longer. I finally made the decision to stop taking insurance and before you know it I am getting new cash clients calling and getting calls from the patients of one insurance company that does pay more than I charge. I also got a call from an reputable insurance company here and they want me to come to work for them - Imagine that!
So when you take the hard steps and make the difficult choices you will find your independence. Ken Evoy - owner and creator of Site Build It! is making July 6th Independence Day for SBI’ers offering his special sale of SBI websites - Buy one for $299 and get the second one for $100 .( You can give the other one away or share it with a friend or just use both sites to create the independence you want!)
“Why build JUST a Web site…
when you COULD build a Web BUSINESS?”
Posted in Ethics, Websites for Massage therapists | No Comments »
June 25th, 2007 Julie Onofrio
A victim is someone who complains all the time about things or someone who continually blames others or other circumstances for their situation. “I don’t have any clients because the new spa that opened up is stealing them all”. ” I don’t have enough clients because the receptionist at the spa is giving everyone else but me the clients I need”. “My employer doesn’t pay me enough”.
The thing is that blaming others to be the cause of your misfortune renders you powerless.
You do have choices although they may be difficult choices. You could leave the spa, go out there and get your own clients and just start making the more difficult choices that will get you back into alignment with your values. As Suze Orman points out in her book “Women and Money” (which I said before could be called “Massage Therapists and Money”) that when you are more in harmony with your true self and stop compromising your values, life will get easier. If you do the hard things your life will get easier. She talks about harmony as “the pleasing interaction between what you think, feel, say and do.” The way that you can tell if you are out of harmony with your values/beliefs is to pay attention to how you feel. Your feelings are the indicators of being in harmony. If you are feeling anything but joy or love, you are not in harmony and you need to make a different choice or take a different action.
I learned about it when I was first in massage school through the drama triangle theory. At the time I didn’t really think much of it or even think it had anything to do with me.
Since we all are human, I would guess that everyone at one time or another is on the drama triangle complaining about the way things are. It is just our nature. We need drama to get the attention that we never got and still crave.
The way to get off of the drama triangle is to take responsibility for your thoughts, beliefs and actions. It isn’t easy by any means. It is a very painful process (and I can personally attest to that.) It is so much easier to complain and blame and keep hurting yourself so you don’t hurt others. It may seem so much easier to not go and find a new job or take the chance and go out there and create your ideal practice when you feel stuck (especially with financial aspects blocking you in).
The best thing you can do for yourself is to get support and keep talking with others about your feelings as it isn’t really about what is happening. Your anger and discomfort are really an indicator that whatever is happening is triggering an old wound -an old hurt. Allowing yourself to feel the hurt and just admit “It hurts” instead of lashing out in anger at others will allow you to give yourself the support and nurturing you need to give yourself.
The fact is that no one is coming to the rescue. Nope. No one.
There is only you.
Posted in Ethics, Peer Supervision, The Code of the Caretaker | 1 Comment »
June 23rd, 2007 Julie Onofrio
By Carl Nelson
Ralph Stephens in the Massage Today, March-July 2002, series of articles entitled Massage Education Failing stated, “Seventeen years ago (in 1985), there were about 50 massage schools in the entire country.
From Martin Ashley, Massage: A Career at Your Fingertips (Barrytown, NY: Station Hill Press, 1992; Carmel, NY: Enterprise Publishing, 2nd Edition, 1995; 3rd Edition, 1999; 4th Edition, 2003), the number of massage schools in the USA is listed as 190 in
May 1991, as 316 in January 1995, as 572 in December 1998, and as 875 in June 2002.
From the Associated Bodywork & Massage Professionals website — www.massagetherapy.com/careers/training.php (the most comprehensive, reliable, and up-to-date state-by-state Internet listing) In November 2004 I counted a total 1346 massage schools in the entire 50 states ranging from one in Wyoming to 232 in California. In September 2006 I counted 262 in California. From the Associated Bodywork & Massage Professionals press release of April 4, 2007 “ The ABMP massage school database peaked at 1582 schools in 2006, but early 2007 survey results showed….to finish reading this article and see the charts with the numbers of massage schools.
Posted in Ethics, News | No Comments »
