Dating massage clients has in the past been seen as acceptable and almost a way of life when I went to massage school 20 years ago. Teachers dated students. Students dated each other. So it wasn’t anything to think that dating a client would not be acceptable.
As massage becomes more accepted as a profession it is important to start understanding the issues that come up around dating clients. Massage schools are starting to mention it in their classes and some states like here in WA are starting to make it illegal to date clients. In 2006 it was made into a law that massage therapists can not date a client within 2 years of seeing that client. The specifics are outlined in the WAC 246-16-100
The thing is that there are still so many massage therapists out there that don’t think it is a problem to date a client. What happens is that clients come to us for help. That act of seeking help often creates a reenactment of our early relationships with caregivers. They think that they will be taken care of like their parent (s) did or should have. Clients come to us in a vulnerable state and the act of getting a massage which requires that massage clients take their clothes off and let a stranger touch them also creates more vulnerability. To put it simply, clients can easily think and act like we are their parents and they want to recreate that early merging and bonding energy that occurs that makes them feel safe. It happens in other personal relationships in fact all most all relationships. I can’t actually think of an instance where it doesn’t happen.
What happens is that the early feelings are also ‘remembered’ through the touch that is given in a massage which complicates the matter even more. Touch elicits the bodies feelings.
The therapeutic relationship is created where the client can come in and project their early feelings onto the massage therapist. Some of the ways that it is shown is when clients bring you gifts, offer to do things for you, or think that YOU are the cause of their healing. These are what is called signs of transference.
Mentoring in the massage profession is just starting to be talked about. When I first started 20 years ago, it wasn’t really talked about although I do have a friend who learned massage in an apprenticeship training of 100 hours who is still practicing today. I never had one mentor but my friends that I shared office space with would usually always help each other out in learning things like insurance billing and sharing thoughts on working with clients and different diseases and conditions that would come up.
There are many challenges for a massage therapist who is right out of massage school - figuring out where to work or how to set up an office, how to find and keep clients, how to make enough money and also how to have a rewarding massage career. Massage therapists also are usually concerned with their technique and learning about how to work with clients.
Mentors in the past have shared their knowledge and expertise for free, but it is also becoming acceptable to charge for your time and knowledge. There are also other ways to share your knowledge and expertise like I have done with my websites.
My website www.thebodyworker.com is basically everything I ever learned in massage school. It is over 800 pages of content and I have probably another 1000 of pages I could be putting up as time allows. It started out as a way for me to recover from burnout and has come to be a way of making a living and reaching more massage therapists than I could just working one on one.
Mentoring networks can be set up in schools right from the start or implemented in spas or other shared office spaces. We did that in our office actually when we had some space open and were looking for someone new to join us, we set up a program of meeting with that new person to help them build a solid practice so we didn’t have to keep looking for new people. It did take a few people to find the one who fit our practice the best.
The other thing that is really interesting in this field is that there is all sorts of help and resources like books and websites out there for people to learn about marketing and building a practice but it is hard to actually go out and do some of those things and implement the ideas. What is lacking is inspiration that a mentor can provide. It is really about the fact that we can not do it all alone.
Through the years I have also seen many massage therapists - myself included- who want to do every thing themselves or think that they have to do every thing themselves. We are so caught up in helping others that it is difficult to ask for help for ourselves. It is part of what I call the ‘Code of the Caretaker” which I am working on writing an ebook on. We do for others what we really would love for someone to do for ourselves. It comes from our early childhood years where our beliefs and self worth were developed. We are told that we aren’t good enough or smart enough so we stop trying and stop reaching out. Our early childhood needs for appreciation and nurturing aren’t met sufficiently so we adopt the belief that we are not deserving of getting those needs met. We give up ourselves trying to find that love and attention.
While a mentor cannot replace that early childhood nurturing we never got, having the support and acknowledgment of another can help us create a new belief system.
I just released my new ebook “The Massage Therapy Career Guide - the truth about becoming a massage therapist” and one of the sections in it I talk about how to get a job in massage therapy. I refer to this example in the book “Think and Grow Rich” by Napoleon Hill.
Think and Grow Rich Job finding process of Napoleon Hill.
First. Decide EXACTLY what kind of job you want. If the job doesn’t already exist, perhaps you can create it.
Second. Choose the company, or individual that you wish to work with.
Third. Study your prospective employer, as to policies, personnel, and chances of advancement.
Fourth. By analysis of yourself, your talents and capabilities, figure out WHAT YOU CAN OFFER, and plan ways and means of giving advantages, services, developments, ideas that you can successfully deliver.
Fifth. Forget about “a Job”. Forget whether or not there is an opening. Forget the usual routine of “have you got a job for me?” Concentrate on what you can give.
Sixth. Once you have your plan in mind, arrange with an experienced writer to put it on paper in neat form and in full detail.
Seventh. Present it to the proper person with the authority and he will do the rest. Every company is looking for men who can give something of value, whether it be ideas, services, or connections. Every company has room for the man who has a definite plan of action which is to the advantage of that company.
I am not sure if it is just because you only hear the horror stories or complaints and if someone has a good job and they don’t complain about it - you don’t hear about it, but more often than not, all I hear are stories of massage therapists feeling like they are being taken advantage of by employers- whether they are chiropractors or spa employers.
Massage therapists or any employee for that matter seems to think that working for someone entitles you to a never ending paycheck, constant raises and continuing praise for your work. As I have been reading a series of books called “Diamond Heart” by AH Alamas, one of the things he says we search for in jobs and relationships is really our essence.
He says:
You continue to pursue your career as a physicist, a gardener, a mother and so on, but all of the time you remember and realize that it is only a reflection of something else, that what you wish most deeply is to actualize a part of yourself…..your purpose is not to be the physicist, the gardener or a mother. Your purpose is find the precious pearl, your personal essence.”
He goes on to say;
Once you know your personal essence, what you do doesn’t matter much. You choose what will enlarge you and enhance your real self.
That something else is really our attempt to find that totally merged feeling we were supposed to or once had with our mothers. We continue to seek that out in all that we do - unconsciously for the most part.
So why massage therapists are choosing to work for chiropractors or others who take advantage of them to me makes me think that they are still really thinking that they are looking for something or someone to take care of them. So they go to work feeling resentful and are hesitant to ask for raises or what they need because they fear they won’t have any job at all. This will come through loud and clear to the client whether you are aware of it or not.
I am not saying this is every one. I am sure there are massage therapists who go out there and work hard at their jobs because they love every moment of it and don’t feel like they are being taken advantage of even when they have to do the cleaning and are getting paid only $10 an hour.
I also have been getting emails from readers saying things like “they just want to make money in this field because they have heard things like you can make $60 an hour. They of course are not getting the whole story. They don’t have any love of massage or of health or the amazing body. They want to pursue a career just for the money. While you do need to make money to live, just doing something for the money is the work of your ego and not your essence.
Your essence is that deep, vulnerable part of you that gets covered up by society and growing up. It is that part of you that gets set aside when you think and act in ways just to get love and attention. Learning to open that part of you often requires feeling all of those feelings that were buried in order for you to please others and be a good person. It is a painful realization to come to but that is what really being an adult is all about. Our neediness is what tells us how much we have to grieve - not really how much we need.
The thing is that you can have that state of complete merging but not with another person or not with a job. You can have it all by yourself when you learn to let your guard down and feel those feelings of not getting those needs for early bonding and attachment met.
It is what massage is really all about - creating that container where people can get their needs met. Getting it for yourself first will help you to be a better therapist and be a stronger person so that you can give that gift of your essence to others - making it easier for them to find theirs.
My concept of the $100,000 massage practice and the ‘wealthy massage therapist’ continues to bring mixed reactions. A few have emailed me privately saying I am full of crap but they don’t bother to say why or what their feelings are on the topic.
I have learned that when you are reacting to something so strongly and especially being moved to downright rude comments that it seems to have triggered something deeply with in you and it is not usually directly related to the current situation but something from deep in your past.
Projections are basically unowned parts of ourselves that show up in our live in all relationships and aspects of our lives. They are such an important part of our work and the therapeutic relationship which is the basis of building a massage practice and being successful as a massage therapist. Projection in the massage therapy profession is called transference and counter-transference. It is important to learn to start understanding projections where ever they may occur in your life if you are serious about building a massage practice. Projections are a really deep and intense part of our consciousness and it requires a real intention to help discover and work through projections. Projections are unconscious which make them so difficult to see and understand.
an attribute, impulse, feeling or perception that actually belongs to an individual’s personality, but is not experiences as such by the individual. Instead, it is attributed to objects or persons in the environment, that is, not oneself, and is then experienced as directed toward the individual by those objects or persons.”
Huh?
A.H. Alaamas, in his book “Diamond Heart: Book One. The Elements of the Real in Mans says this about projection:
Projection is one of the main defenses we use to avoid seeing the truth that lies inside us…. It is one of the first defensive mechanisms developed in infantile life…. When you are projecting you are actually acting at the pre-verbal, pre-conscious level.
Defenses are what are needed when you don’t have boundaries. Boundaries are anything that helps to differentiate you from someone else. They tell you where you begin and end. When you start to get mad at or blame others or react rather than respond somewhere your sense of self has been challenged. Your reactions are usually coming from that false self that was created in early childhood to protect yourself. The process of differentiation- of learning to be your true self - is achieved when you can learn to process these feelings from what you think and learning to hold on to those feelings and not react.
While I don’t expect everyone to agree with me, when you can say hmm… that sounds interesting but I think she is wrong and this is why and not get angry - you are feeling informed about something and not reacting - it usually isn’t a projection. If you are reacting and reacting intensely it is most likely a projection - meaning it is really a reaction about something else. This is especially the case when you feel like retreating and not even talking about it but when you prefer to just ‘leave’ or write rude comments or emails.
Being able to understand projections and hold conversations about topics with your professional peers such as this and others like ‘The $100,000 massage practice” can help you in your practice which will be full of projections between you and your client.
So many massage therapists seem to be going about getting clients in the wrong way - by advertising and trying to ‘find’ clients who want them. This is like searching for a needle in the haystack.
Figuring out who your ideal client is will help you narrow down your focus and start attracting clients that you want.
“People are searching for information and solutions so success begins with quality, relevant content. Start where your visitors are and then everything falls into place. The process boils down to these essential steps: 1. Consider your service business from your client’s point of view. What niche do you occupy? What problems do you solve?:….Download the Ebook to get the rest if you are interested
You can create a general profile including things like: age, location, athletes, pregnant women, corporate chair massage, events, gender or include other demographics and narrow down a niche.
Just saying that you want to work on everyone, while it may seem like it gives you more opportunities, it also makes it harder to find someone because it is a much wider pool of people to try to market to.
Get inside your potential clients shoes (and head)?
How do people find a massage therapist? Actually go out and try this yourself! It is a great way to get in touch with what your clients have to go through to find someone who is good and that they can trust. First they may ask their friends or family for a referral. They may ask their doctor or other health care provider for a reference. They might look in the phone book, but I would surmise that most look online. People search for ‘massage, your city’ or search blindly ‘find a massage therapist’. People who are looking for you are the best and easiest clients to get.
Trying blindly to find people by sending out mailings or doing other advertising may work but if people don’t need a massage - they won’t really care. Find people who need the massage and the other part of this which I read in a book by Lynn Grodzki called “Build Your Ideal Private Practice” (which is written for psychotherapists) takes it even a step further.
Identify your Ideal Client (exercise). Create a profile of your ideal client and share it conversationally with new clients. It will help them understand your approach and your expectations, and show them how to “get their money’s worth” or increase the value they receive from their time in therapy. This one step can help you think in a more focused way about the direction of your practice. Fill in these sentence stems:
My Ideal Client appreciatesMy Ideal Client ValuesMy ideal client understandsMy ideal client agrees to
Creating a vision of your ideal client will help you to focus your marketing and will also help you find people who are nourishing to work on. That way you have a better chance of being successful as well as having a rewarding practice that will last as long as you need it to.
Sometimes just starting out, you don’t know who you really want to work on as far as what group of people. You learn by trying different things and working on different people and noticing how you feel when you work on each one. Notice the contrast in how you feel. Do you feel drained working on that client who all they do is complain about their boss or all they do is complain about their spouse? How do you feel after working on someone in chronic pain who has tried every doctor with no results? Your feelings will tell you if you are working on a client who will help further your career or will working on them take too much of your energy away and leave you feeling drained.
While it isn’t always as easily done as it it said, it is a process of learning to listen to your internal guidance system - your feelings. If you ignore your feelings they will get repressed and will usually turn into emotions that usually are negative or destructive.
This is exactly what building a website using Site Build it! (SBI!)will do for you- By clarifying who your ideal client is, you can convey it in a website and show clients your expertise in massage. People will understand who you are and will be able to make a more informed decision about their healthcare. The SBI! process will take you step by step through the process of identifying your ideal client and will also help you learn about what clients are wanting by what keywords they are finding you through. When you create a SBI! site you are using the law of attraction and helping people who are looking for massage in your area to find someone who can help resolve their problem- pain, stress, injury or whatever. And that person will just happen to be you. When people find a website by searching for the one online by whatever keywords they use and they find your site, they are already impressed and think they have found you and don’t have to worry about people giving a sales pitch. The come in feeling good about themselves by finding you. You then can use the website to create enough content and information that will let them know that you are an expert in what you do. You can set up an email newsletter and blog to keep potential readers interested by giving them more information. You can write some free informational reports on using massage with various diseases and conditions and collect the email address of those who are interested so you can contact them with more information and keep educating them. Since they found you online they must have some interest in health and massage. You have a greater chance of getting this reader to become a regular client - one who comes once or twice a week for years (figure out what that is really worth!)
You won’t have to sell anyone on your massage. They will be calling you and wanting only you. And when you can put this all together into a website, it will also be come clearer in all of your communications with clients. If you are doing yellow pages ads, newspaper ads, brochures, teaching workshops, speaking to special populations, talking with other health care providers - all of these methods of advertising/marketing will be so much more effective when you can follow up with these people and get them to go to your website. Any advertising/marketing done without a website is wasted money!
