Healing through Empathy
For the past 5 years I have been intensively studying the concept of projection and how it works in relationships especially the therapeutic relationship that occurs in the client/massage therapist dynamic. Projection is happening constantly throughout our day. It is the unconscious thoughts that make us feel a certain way. When we see something in someone else that we don’t like or that intrigues us, what we are seeing is really a part of us.
I finally found the best book that really describes what is happening and it really seems so simple. In the book “Creating Harmonious Relationships” by Andrew Le Compte, the author beautifully explains the dynamic that happen in relationships.
What happens is that our judge is the one who steps up thinking that it is it’s job to protect us. The judge is formed at an early age and is evident in most situations. Most of what happens to us happens in an unconscious mode - like driving the car - our brains become wired to react in certain ways to certain stimuli. He says “[Our parents]…encourage us to look for the causes of our behavior in the external world and not to examine our own motives”.
When people are in pain they are usually in an unconscious mode - they are out of balance or out of control. They need to be heard and understood before they will be able to listen to anything we have to say no matter how good the advice is. The way to do this is to not jump in and give the advice right off the bat but to calm ourselves and try to listen to really understand what the person is talking about and needing. They may not even need our advice afterward or ever. A massage therapist wanting to give advice to someone is more about the massage therapist than about the client.
So often clients will just complain about the pain, disease or condition or whatever it is -their work, their relationships, their situations. The pain itself, even if it was started by an injury, trauma or mishap, is trying to tell them something - trying to get in touch with some inner part of themselves. They call us seeking someone to fix their pain or condition when all along they are the ones who hold the healing abilities.
These unconscious patterns get projected on others who we are in relationships with. The thing is that projections are unconscious - we can’t see them or understand them easily - because they are after all - they are unconscious.
He says that “our unconscious mind’s primary task is to judge other people (and everything) as good or bad.” We have preconceived notions and perceptions that we think keep us safe but in reality these are the same thoughts that keep us stuck.
When we see a client who is in pain or dealing with a health challenge, what can we do help alleviate the condition? First we can listen -listen with our ears, eyes, heart and ears to what the pain is really trying to tell the person. The need to fix others by giving them our advice is an indicator that we are feeling something when we hear the story. We want to jump in and be the rescuer, the hero - and save that person from their pain. What if healing could happen just by our being there and being present with our feelings?
The idea that empathy can heal comes from the work of Carl Rogers in his book “On Becoming a Person. He talks about the healing power of “unconditional positive regard”
Marshall Rosenberg in his book “Non-violent communication” talks about the idea that when there is a diagnosis made about a person, it can influence their healing.
“NVC enhances inner communication by helping us translate negative internal messages into feelings and needs…By showing us how to focus on what we want rather than what is wrong with others or ourselves, NVC gives us the tools and understanding to create a more peaceful state of mind”
For more information:
 Psychology for Massage Therapists
How can we heal through empathy?
What does empathy look like and feel like?
How do we set our own feelings aside to be present with another in pain or stress?
March 11th, 2007 at 6:18 pm
[...] Original post by Julie Onofrio and plugin by Elliott Back [...]
March 12th, 2007 at 6:38 am
I wrote a page on my site
http://www.a-body-for-living.com/client-centered-philosophy.html
that addresses the very issue you bring up regarding empathy, and much of the page is based on the works of Carl Rodgers.
I think to get into the swing of emapthy as Dr. Rogers views it, one must embrace and LIVE the concepts of Humanism. Personally, I view that Man/Woman is good and that everyone has potential to be reached. I take on the idea that there are no bad people, only people who make bad decisions. If I take on this attitude, it is only then that I can enter a state of empathy for my clients,and then the real healing begins.
The concept of Humanism will rub many in the wrong way. It is in conflict with some religious doctrine. (i.e. Man is evil by nature). With that premise I would find it difficult to find feelings of empathy for many of my clients.
Some hate the words of Carl Rodgers and assert his writings are the work of the devil. Personnally I think not, but this may be a stumbling block for many trying foster an attitude of empathy in any healing profession.