www.thebodyworker.com

I have a theory I am

working on for a book that I call “The Code of the Caretaker”. The theory is that people who are massage therapists and others in the helping professions are driven by the need to please others at the cost of giving up part of themselves.

For massage therapists it shows up in the struggles of building a successful practice in things like:
- Not setting clear cancellation policies: Letting others get away with not paying for their missed appointment at the cost of losing money for the business
-Giving free massages : thinking that is the only way you can get clients in the door
-Giving more of your time in sessions than the alloted time: thinking that you have to take more time to get that knot out or to relieve that pain for the client instead of having lunch
-Thinking doing massage is all about ‘fixing’ others pain. It isn’t. It is about taking care of yourself enough so that you can remain present for another to witness their healing.

These are just a few of the things for starters. What all of these are related to are the ways you sacrifice yourself to please others. It is also called co-dependence.

What we do for others – caretaking, giving up our time and money for others, sacrificing our selves so that others may get massage – often is a ‘code’ of behavior. We are doing for others what we wish someone would do for us.

This deep need to please others comes from wanting to be accepted and appreciated by others. It comes from those wounded places in ourselves that think that we are not good enough just as we are. It often has it’s roots in our family histories where we were taught that having feelings was wrong and that having needs was also wrong. Not having our needs met at an early time in life leads us to think we are not worthy of having those needs met.

So the drama that we create in our lives is an attempt to get those early needs met. So we keep trying to get our needs for attachment, love and acceptance met but sacrificing ourselves thinking it will get us what we need. In truth, as David Rico says in his book “How to be an Adult”

Our problem is not that as children our needs were unmet, but as adults they are still unmourned! The hurt, bereft, betrayed child is still inside of us wanting to cry for what he missed and wanting thereby to let go of the pain and the stressful present neediness he feels in relationships. In fact, neediness itself tells us nothing about how much we need from others; it tells us how much we need to grieve the irrevocably barren past and evoke our inner resources of nurturance

We can only truly “help” (be of service to) others when we have first been helped ourself and have accepted ourselves as the people that we are – with all of our pain and hurts and joy.

As a people pleaser we are also a rescuer – trying to save others from the pain that we ourselves have not yet dealt with. We focus on taking care of others so we don’t have to take a look at this in ourselves. To stop being a rescuer (people pleaser) the only way to do this is to start taking more responsibility for ourselves and doing our own healing. It often is hard for rescuers to see how much they actually need help. When they start to feel their own feelings, it is often easier just to cover them up again and find someone else to take care of. When you are trying to ‘caretake’ others what you are actually saying is that “you are not whole”. “I know more than you do”. “I don’t trust that you can handle this yourself”.
When you are constantly rescuing, you are not taking care of yourself. You fear that if you don’t take care of others that you will be left alone.

Ironically, the thing we often try to give to others is the thing that we ourselves need the most. When you can start to give yourself this first, you will soon win the love and support you need without all of the drama – just by being yourself.

The best way to help others is to be doing what you really want to be doing…Do you want to be working late or taking that last minute client when you were wanting to go home to your family? Do you keep asking for less money than you need from clients as payment? Do you forgive ‘no shows’ or late arrivals by saying “It’s ok and making excuses for others rather than asking for what you need – a no show payment and just giving a late arrival the amount of time left in their alloted time?

This is probably more about what happened to you. No one trusted you or saw you as whole and taught you that being needy and having feelings was wrong.
We act out. We are hurt by others words and actions when they actually have nothing to do with us. Getting to a place of feeling and knowing your own wholeness is a process of learning to become aware of what your emotions are telling you. When you are feeling sadness, anger, frustration or any of the negative emotions, you are feeling those because you are believing the old stories and beliefs. When you are attempting to please everyone, you are actually attempting to control others. You are actually giving your power away.

Gary Zukav speaks of it his book “The Heart of the Soul”

An individual who needs to please is constantly trying to see how others are feeling so that she will know how to be with them. She cannot take their requests and communications at face value. She tries to guess what they are really saying or requesting. That is because she herself, does not communicate what she is feeling, thinking or requesting….If another person is unhappy, she tries to determine how to make that person happy so that she will be more safe….An individual who needs to please, is always tense….
She ignores herself. Because she does not take care of herself, she waits for others to take care of her. She does not feel worthy to ask for what she needs. When she does not get it, she feels resentful. She feels that her devotion-compulsion-to care for others is not reciprocated,…The pain of rejection you seek to avoid goes unexplored, and continues to create the need to please…The goal of pleasing is to avoid experiencing emotions that are too painful or shameful to confront..

The chapter goes on…

But how does that actually apply to building a business and being a massage therapist?
How do you know when you are ‘people pleasing’ or when are you just doing things that you think you need to do to build your practice (like giving free massages)?
If you are giving away your time and you don’t really have it to give. If you are giving away sessions, when you don’t have the money to live….

The difference may not always be clear. Your feelings will tell you. Does your giving make you feel more alive or does it leave you feeling drained?

The thing is that you will probably never really get rid of this but becoming more aware of it you can begin to change. When stressful situations arise, so will your people pleaser most likely.
How do you tell the difference? How do you deal with your “people Pleaser”?

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